When it all comes tumbling down

I am going to backtrack a little bit and talk to you about my teenage years. Not all of them, just the last one. The year it all came tumbling down.

When I had turned 18, I lost my grandmother to diabetes. Before she had started to get really sick I had been planning and preparing for applying to UCLA. After, I had decided to stay closer to home.

She passed on and I was devastated. More so then I would have thought I would be. My grandmother was like a mother to me. She was the person who I trusted would be there for me no matter what. When she was gone I struggled. I had been active in a church at the time and the only solace they could provide was that the Lord knew what He was doing.

I became angry. Angry at everyone and everything. Especially angry at my maker. I had decided some of the best years of my life and he took away my rock.

There was a boy I had grown to care for. I would even venture to say I loved him though we never even kissed. I could see in his eyes he loved me too. When I walked away from the church, he felt I was walking away for us. He never spoke to me again. I looked back only once at what I was walking away from.

My world had come tumbling down. In a moment I had lost everything that was dear to me.

Have you ever experienced a loss of everything that you held dear? Once it was all gone, my brother who was my best friend moved away, and everything else seemed to fade.

I left. When it call comes tumbling down that is when you have to start to rebuild. I could have let it destroy me, but I didn't I pushed through. Today, I live with no regrets. Life, is not always going to work out the way you had planned. It is how you choose to live when it all comes tumbling down.

Till next time.

Living in the moment

When my son was growing up I focused every last ounce of energy I had on him. I never went out, I never talked to anyone, I barely did a thing aside from taking care of my son. I was so focused on making it up to him for my body abusing him that I literally lost myself.

My marriage was rocky, I stopped working so I could stay at home with my son full time. I couldn't bare the thought of someone else holding him, touching him, feeding him, playing with him. It had to be me. I had drifted so far away from everyone that no one called me anymore, no one even came to my door. I had successfully isolated myself.

It had even become too difficult to clean my home because that meant I would not be able to hold him while I was cleaning. No, for a time. My whole world revolved around my son. I made sure he wanted for nothing.

One day, a very strange thing happened. I went to sit outside for a few minutes. This was not something I did often but today was a nice day. I went to the back of my home where no one would see me. A small older woman came ande peaked over my fence. She was very outspoken and immediately introduced herself and said she was new to the neighborhood. She invited me to stop by sometime and offered me a beer. I thanked her and she left. This was the first time someone had approached me in a long time.

I had gone to events in the past and made attempts to make friends but for the most part I had been unsuccessful. I have even tried to work but my strong desire to be close to my son ended my careers faster than they started. Each job I found something wrong with so I would move on.

I never thought I would hear from this woman again but sure enough one day she knocked on my door. I opened the door and she had two bottles of beer. We sat outside, I let my son go out and he started playing with her grandchildren. As it turned her children were very close in age to my boy. I sat there with her having a beer and I just watched him playing. He seemed so happy. He and I were living in the moment. For that brief moment of time I wasn't afraid.

We finished our beers and our light conversation and I was happy. My neighbor had brought out something in me I didn't even know I had anymore.

I began to spend more time with her, each time I just lived in the moment. I didn't worry about anything. Sometimes I would just listen to her talk, other times I would tell a story or two. My child, laughed. The world was changing. I could see that my boy was growing up. Those moments shared brought me from the darkness.

Till next time.

Aspiring to Sucess: Asking for help

I won't normally make two posts in one day but I wanted to clarify something. Part of aspiring to success is learning when to ask for help. After my son was born I had fallen into a deep depression. I was isolated from my family and friends and my husband was working long hours so I had a lot of time alone with my thoughts.

I had gained a lot of weight and could not seem to make any progress towards my goals. My son was so small and fragile it was hard not to blame myself every day. It took me going to the brink of losing everything to realize that I needed help.

After getting some help I began to establish daily goals for myself. Nothing too overwhelming, just something that I could use as a guide to measure my personal success. Whether it be to write a new poem, or call a friend, or go online and make a new friend. As long as I would set a goal for myself each day, each day I could have something to be proud of.

Somedays were harder then others so I would make my goal to not yell, or to cry only once. Others days it was to make sure I said "I love you" at least once that day. For a long time saying "I love you" was the only thing I had the strength to do. Let me tell you though, those three words are the most powerful tool I have ever seen.

As I told my son how much I loved him and told my husband I loved him before he went to work everyday, I found myself slowly starting to dig myself out from my own sorrow.

My child smiled for the first time and I was there. I told him I loved him and he smiled. Could you imagine?

The goal was simple, challenge myself each day. Small challenges at first, increase them, and decrease them as needed. Make a new dish, clean a different area of the house, write something, go somewhere, etc.

The sucess I found was an inner peace. I am grateful for this peace.

Here is another poem:

My heart




If I wait to see tomorrow

Would I find what I had lost?

If I filled my soul with sorrow

Would I pay the bitter cost?

But hope and love would see me

Past this bitter time

For my heart is filled with passion

For the one who blew my mind



Give myself

Give my heart

Give my mind, body, and soul

Give my life

Give my choice

Give it all if love is so


From the beginning to the end

If we start then stop again

If we move before we speak

Or say words before their spoken

If we stop before we see

Or fall before we open

the key to find the way

the way to things forgotten

a feeling full of moments

moments full of time

time never forgotten

the past leaving behind
 
For the one who blew my mind

Aspiring to Success

Hello everyone,

Welcome to my blog. Today I wanted to share with you a little bit about myself. I am a military spouse and a proud mother of 2 of the most wonderful children.

I also served honorably in the armed forces for about 3 years before I was honorably discharged due to a service connected disability. It was painful for me to be let go. It felt like my heart was being ripped out. I was in essence FIRED, and this had never happened to me before.

Have you ever been so down about something that your world just didn't make sense anymore? That is how I felt. I sank, and began to spiral out of control.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was afraid. My fear (for lack of a better word) caused my body to treat my unborn like a virus and I grew very sick. I was in and out of the hospital and started to gain weight as a result of the sickness and the stress.

To sum it up my son was born via c-section and spent roughly 2 weeks in the NICU (Natal Intensive Care Unit) due to complications in the pregnancy.

It was the lowest point in my life. I looked into his little eyes and held his little hands and I cried. Had I failed as a mother? I had already failed as a military member. Would I fail as a wife as well?

With some guidance and support I began to find my inner strength and set out to learn how to Aspire to Success. Success in all areas of my life. I was determined to never fall as far, or feel as low as I had during this time.

It took me 3 years to fully understand what aspiring to success really meant.

I hope you enjoy reading my stories and my poetry as well as finding out how I went from living in despair to living in peace.

I would like to leave you with this poem today:


Choices

Choices that you make in life can determine
what you will become and who you will be defined as.
Each decision takes with it its own responsibility.

Each act bring upon itself the just reward.

Whether the act was of kindness, or of chaos
Th results will be inevitably be met
Think carefully about what you may decide
For turning back is a gift that only a few
will receive.
And if you may be one of the fortunate ones
Do not take for granted the honor of being
able to change that road
For that honor may not be graced upon you again.
And the next time you may not find yourself so fortunate.
So think carefully before you make your choice.

Each time you decide a piece of history is being created.


*****************
Till next time.

Jennifer