Living in the moment

When my son was growing up I focused every last ounce of energy I had on him. I never went out, I never talked to anyone, I barely did a thing aside from taking care of my son. I was so focused on making it up to him for my body abusing him that I literally lost myself.

My marriage was rocky, I stopped working so I could stay at home with my son full time. I couldn't bare the thought of someone else holding him, touching him, feeding him, playing with him. It had to be me. I had drifted so far away from everyone that no one called me anymore, no one even came to my door. I had successfully isolated myself.

It had even become too difficult to clean my home because that meant I would not be able to hold him while I was cleaning. No, for a time. My whole world revolved around my son. I made sure he wanted for nothing.

One day, a very strange thing happened. I went to sit outside for a few minutes. This was not something I did often but today was a nice day. I went to the back of my home where no one would see me. A small older woman came ande peaked over my fence. She was very outspoken and immediately introduced herself and said she was new to the neighborhood. She invited me to stop by sometime and offered me a beer. I thanked her and she left. This was the first time someone had approached me in a long time.

I had gone to events in the past and made attempts to make friends but for the most part I had been unsuccessful. I have even tried to work but my strong desire to be close to my son ended my careers faster than they started. Each job I found something wrong with so I would move on.

I never thought I would hear from this woman again but sure enough one day she knocked on my door. I opened the door and she had two bottles of beer. We sat outside, I let my son go out and he started playing with her grandchildren. As it turned her children were very close in age to my boy. I sat there with her having a beer and I just watched him playing. He seemed so happy. He and I were living in the moment. For that brief moment of time I wasn't afraid.

We finished our beers and our light conversation and I was happy. My neighbor had brought out something in me I didn't even know I had anymore.

I began to spend more time with her, each time I just lived in the moment. I didn't worry about anything. Sometimes I would just listen to her talk, other times I would tell a story or two. My child, laughed. The world was changing. I could see that my boy was growing up. Those moments shared brought me from the darkness.

Till next time.